North Carolina | Coming Back

At long last, I have gone off to college!

Pssst, did you hear that? It was the sound of my family collectively sighing in relief. On second thought, maybe they’re still holding their breath … 

Remarkably, this is my first time in a classroom surrounded by my own peers in a decade.

10 years!!! 

While I graduated high school in 2018 and have nearly completed my Associates since, I did it all online, hidden away in my bedroom. Consequently, I haven’t had any close friends my own age in person* since I was 14! (If you ever feel compelled to find possible explanations for why I’m weird, this is a good one to jot down.) 

*though I maintained lots of wonderful online friends throughout high school, the best crew I could have asked for!

For so long, I have pushed college aside. I was meant to start my junior year in the fall of 2021. Then, two weeks before classes began, I got hit in the head with the idea of riding a horse across the country instead. WHAM. Curve ball. If you have ever been hit in the head before, you know that it’s very disorienting and largely considered by everyone to be a bad move. In my case, things worked out great — I met Finley and we galloped off into the sunset together, or something like that 😁 — but my journey did take longer than anticipated.

So I am excited to finally have a conventional college experience. And what a wonder it is!!

My school is on the edge of a city yet nestled in the trees with a small student population. I’ve heard that in the warmer months black bears treat themselves to the campus dumpsters! Included in the cost of attendance are weekly events, a pool, a gaming center, a 24/7 gym, a food pantry, free tutoring, free bus/shuttle rides around the city, free bicycle repairs, and more! I am amazed at how well oiled the system is to support students.

May Update: a few days before the end of the spring semester, I saw SIX black bears at once!! 🐻

If I have a lick of free time this spring semester, I hope to shadow the bike shop’s mechanic to learn more about how to do repairs. I’m also planning to attend weekly kayak rolling lessons because those exist here!? I’ve also joined a women’s only bible study group called Cru that I really like!
My college’s motto: Levo oculos meos in montes / “I lift up my eyes to the mountains” 🏔️

Great news: I got to bring Faith to college! Best roommate ever. There she is, peeking out from under my bed. (She’s shy.)

In even greater news: I got my drivers licence! Yes! At the ripe old age of 23, I learned how to drive, so you can all stop giving me funny looks, okay? 😉

This means that the next time I cross the United States it will be much faster since I no longer have to walk, or bike, or ride a horse everywhere, phew! 

Wellllll, it will be once I get my own car, anyway. Fat chance of that right now! It might be another year or two until I unlock that level of adulthood. When I do, I would love to get a pickup truck, but realistically I’ll wind up with an old beater like the kind my mom always had when I was growing up that would break down in the middle of intersections so we’d have to enlist the help of two random men to push it out of the way.

May Update: My mom let me borrow her car for the last three months of my spring semester so I had my own ride! Thanks Mom!!

Mooooving on! 🐄🛻

Here are my New Years resolutions —

1. Learn how to do a cartwheel! 

I am a fat kid at heart, even when I’m in good weight. I like to say that because I’m so straightedge in other regards — I’ve never drank a sip of alcohol nor smoked a cigarette, there’s no morning coffee on my table, I have no desire for casual affairs, and you sure won’t find me at any house parties — this has allowed me to focus all my love and attention on fooooood.

Yet I will only be in my twenties once. So while I’m capable of being at my physical best before age takes over, do I really want to squander that by ever being out of shape? Recognizing this has helped renew my desire to not only lose a few pounds but, most importantly, get fit! I’ve never attempted to gain muscle in my life, my upper arms are like limp spaghetti. That and I have the coordination of a newborn duckling, every movement of mine is so awkward and stilted. 😛

Yet in my adolescence I remember running barefoot in the backyard and climbing trees and jumping off playground swings with grace. I want to have that mobility again. I’ll consider my efforts a success when I can do a cartwheel! And, hey, if I can manage that, I’ll have my 10 year old self beat ’cause she could only somersault. (Then again, she could also stand on her head while propped up against a wall so maybe that’s when I peaked in my physical fitness.)

May Update: I have totally failed at losing weight or getting fit this spring semester! I really struggle with food. When I’m bored or upset, I start reaching for the fridge. This will probably be a lifelong challenge. I am now counting on my Yukon trip to work wonders. A cartwheel may still be possible by the end of the summer …

Left: 8 year old me up a tree, Right: 12 year old me drinking from straw glasses

2. Carpe diem-Live presently in the moment! And live for others more
I am prone to pushing my problems off to tomorrow while worrying about them all the same. The grass is always greener in another place and on the other side of today.

My mom’s boyfriend, Ricky, got me into Eckhart Tolle’s books and I think they have set me on the right path moving forward. The idea that I identify too much with my ego which actually survives off of pain and thus seeks to perpetuate a cycle of grief for myself feels very true.

I also want to make a more conscious effort to put others before myself, as I fear I see life far too often through a self-centered lenses.

4. Be on my phone less!

Confession: I’ve realized that I’m addicted to the internet like most people today, so my plan is to gradually limit my social media use over these next few years. Healthy moderation! Whenever my mind is heavy, I’m amazed by how much the simple act of disconnecting from my phone and stepping outside helps to restore my spirits.

I fear that being chronically online will have such profound implications on future generations too, so when I have my own kids I plan to keep them off technology and in the woods playing as much as possible. They’ll be raised like it’s the 60’s again.

5. Make a new friend my age! 

Turns out, to make friends you have to talk to people.

I’m still working out how to do this.

May Update: I made no friends my age at school this spring semester! Another mission failed … for now.

Time to talk business! I swear when it comes to money it’s like I’m constantly being caught with my pants down and then I just decide “screw it” and waddle with my pants around my ankles, ahahaha 🤣 💵

While I had the great honor and privilege of owning a horse this past year, the truth is that long riding provided a unique loophole to. Horse ownership is normally above my means, I’m the type of person who would finance a pizza.

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To save for the Yukon, I have begun donating plasma biweekly and will start working 20 hours a week in retail or food service alongside my classes. Woot!

No matter how much I hustle, it’ll be a trade off. Making the trip means I won’t be able to pay off my student loans as quickly nor afford a car for a while longer, but it’s worth it to me. Unequivocally.

May Update: I worked at Qdoba folding burritos for $15/hour, 22 hours a week in addition to selling plasma occasionally and taking advantage of a few credit card sign up bonuses* during school to save up $5,000 for my Yukon trip!! (*Cards I never intend to use, don’t worry! I have $0 in credit card debt and plan to keep it that way.)

My objective this spring: acquire the best cheap gear! While buying new, high end gear may not be in my wheelhouse this adventuring season, that’s OK since it means I get to do what I do best: make s— happen anyway. 😎 I love finding that happy median–perfectly functional but affordable!

I’m hopping on board the Chinese knockoff train with a Naturehike Star River 2 ($120) or Featherstone Granite ($108) tent. (The former is a Big Agnes Copper Spur UL2 ($530) copy cat and the latter a MSR Hubba Hubba ($550) copycat.) They have surprisingly positive reviews from the outdoor community! In the past, I have used one person tents, but I think I’m ready for an upgrade. A 2 person offers greater rain protection, allows me to mask the fact that I’m alone better, AND, most importantly, will fit a dog!!

Rather than buying a new Enlightened Equipment 0 degree quilt ($405), I’ll reuse my Hyke and Byke 0 degree sleeping bag ($0) so long as I can repair its broken zipper.

May Update: I snagged a new Big Agnes Copper Spur UL2 on Facebook Marketplace for only $175! My plans to use my old sleeping bag still remain.

I won’t skimp on safety gear. My kayak will be outfitted with a spare paddle, paddle leash, bilge pump, pealess whistle, aquaseal, paddle float, and a fiberglass repair kit. I’ll get a good rain coat and if I can’t justify mosquito repellent clothes, I’ll have DEET galore. I’ll wear a life jacket at all times and I’ve decided to bite the bullet and upgrade my SPOT Gen 3 to a Garmin Mini/InReach Explorer for 2 way comms. I’ll double up on stoves, water filters, and lighters.

The funny thing about the planning stage is that I tend to worry myself into knots about every little detail when, come to find out, many don’t really matter on the road. And if they do matter, they rarely require putting myself through so much anxiety. Fears have a funny way of subsiding once I jump headlong into an adventure. Today I caught myself psychoanalyzing about what socks to bring. I mean, gosh. I have four pairs of Darn Tough socks, but apparently they make wet socks specifically for water sports (i.e. Seal Skins) so should I get those instead at a whopping $20-40 per pair? As if that will make or break my trip! Ha.

May Update: I’m currently having an identity crisis on whether to go with a kayak or a canoe. 🤣 I don’t know! AAAAAHHHHH! I’ll decide when I reach White Horse … and I pray I make the right choice because there’s no going back once I launch from shore.

I like to remind myself of all the people of yesterday who would travel in plain, cotton shirts and jeans with heavy external packs and 10 pound tents with no cell phone and paper maps OR no maps at all!

They remind me that, even if I have to rough it for a while longer in life, and heck, in a sense I’ve got it easy, there’s no reason not to smile!

Left: from Patagonia, Right: from Reddit

I now find myself at a crossroads ….

I love adventuring — to such an extent that I am guilty of viewing my Yukon paddle as “my life in waiting” and my school/work as the “necessary time in between” — yet it can’t remain my focus for much longer. I fear it clashes too much with building a career and having a family. Especially if I go to vet school, something so all-consuming. I gotta plant some roots one of these days. Yet knowing this on a rational level doesn’t stop me from pining for a life of adventure all the same. No matter which road I go down, I am haunted by the idea that I’m missing out. The question “how do we forgive ourselves for all that we did not become?” looms heavy on my mind.

May Update: This remains gravely true. Having to jump through pointless hoops for four years, taking courses like Physics, Calculus, etc., all these ridiculous subjects that will never be practical to real living, nor a profitable career,  just to have the chance to get into vet school which will consume another four years … this weighs on my conscious. Realizing how broken our education system is that it forces people to waste their precious youth shoveling crap into their brains for no reason except to have a “a well-rounded education,” jargon that gets parroted over and over, is troubling.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and it makes sense that I’m 23. Other times I’m bewildered at the reminder that it’s not 2016 and I’m no longer 16. When did that happen?? More than anything, I’m shocked that 2016 was now 8 years ago. It feels like half that time has passed. Likewise, when I remember that everyone my age finished college in the spring of 2022 if they jumped straight into their studies after high school, I can’t help but feel left behind. Which is so silly, isn’t it? I suppose this circles back to my tendency to see the grass as greener somewhere else, a bad habit.

Despite my conflicting interests, I’m feeling optimistic about the future. And I’m really happy to be able to say that, as that wasn’t always the case. After my walk across America, it was hard to … come back. I fell into a terrible depression while socially isolating during the pandemic. I sat inside eating myself into a stupor while my brain rotted in place. I’m much better now, even if I joke that it’s because I’m too busy to be sad. On a related note, rest assured that I am committed to not letting my schoolwork kill me before the Alaskan bush gets a chance to try! 😜

You know, I’ve realized that since I’m an adult I can get my own DOG! Technically, I’ve had my eyes peeled for a long time. I kept a dog collar in my walking stroller “just in case.” I strapped another collar onto my saddle as an impromptu night latch while horseback riding. Yet I’ve always kind of had this “if it’s meant to be, one will find me” philosophy about dogs while adventuring. And one never did find me on the road, but I’m feeling good about my chances this year!

The best news yet — when I returned to North Carolina a few weeks ago, I got to briefly reunite for the first time in 2 years with my childhood dog and one of my greatest loves, Rascal!

Living on the road, I was always reminded of the fact that seeing him again was not promised, so I deeply cherished being able to. 🌞

If you’ve made it this far …….. 🎉 CONGRATULATIONS!!! 🎉

You have won a free post card!

I made custom post cards to commemorate reaching the pacific ocean at the end of my ride across America and I have 30+ left over. Stamps prepaid for and everything. If you want one, it’s yours! It doesn’t matter who you are, I don’t even have to have met you before. If you’re a random internet stranger who has stumbled across my website and just thinks it would be cool to get a post card, great!! I’d love to give ya one. Please fill out the form below. (I’ll remove this message from my blog if/when all the post cards are taken). International addresses welcome. 😀